oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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