I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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