I hate all girls vehemently.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
