Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
