he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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