What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
