I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
