I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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