Cold hands, warm shart.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
