How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
