So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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