I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
