I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
