eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Houston, we have a blender
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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