Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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