you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
