where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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