Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
