I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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