I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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