I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
