dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize