awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
