at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Someone signed my nipple.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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