I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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