i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
