Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
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