he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
