Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
