Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
