I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
