I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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