If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
