the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
