A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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