I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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