someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
