Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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