Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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