I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Randomize
