: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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