I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
