I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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