Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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