My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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