I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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