I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
