I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
