Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
