I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guiltš
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
And, by āmake you dinnerā I mean āhave lots of sex and multiple orgasms.ā So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
