This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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