whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
