she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
