so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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