how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
