I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
