i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
