No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
