Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
