I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
