Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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